Hamlet Was a Moron

It was an ugly case. The drugs had got hold of him and he was getting rough with his baby’s mama and the kids. He needed to get into rehab. She asked me to help. I had to help him make the right choice. He got rough. In order to help him, I had to get rougher. My knuckles still ached under my gloves.

And then, when I got home I found Monte on the stoop, having a heart-to-heart with Cindy. I’m pretty much the man in Monte’s life now. When he has questions, real questions his grandmother can’t answer, he comes to me. It looked like my girl stopped by at the same time he was looking for me, and decided to stand in.

Cuban girls.

When I was halfway up the stairs, Cindy said, “Glad you’re home, baby. We’ve got a tough one here.” I just raised my eyebrow in question, so she kept going. “It seems our young man here has met a girl. She might be THE girl. But he’s not really sure.”

The grin on her face told me that Cindy thought this was cute, or funny. Monte just looked embarrassed. He’s trying real hard to be a man, and no woman in the world understands how hard that is in the 21st century.

“I really like her,” he said. “But if I tell her, I mean, what if it turns out to be wrong? I mean, I’m not so sure I’m ready to have a steady girl.”

“But I told him if he doesn’t tell her, he might be letting an important opportunity pass him by,” Cindy threw in.

“So the question is?” I asked.

“Tell her or don’t,” Cindy said.

I was tired. And this was simple. And my patience needle was slipping toward E. I didn’t look at Cindy. I looked at Monte. Boys past ten years old deserve to be addressed directly.

“What are you, Hamlet?”

“Huh?”

I walked between them to the door and turned around. “Look, enough already with the psychoanalysis. On the one hand this, but on the other hand that. This whole damn country is as confused as Hamlet was. Do I tell or do I keep quiet? Should I stay or should I go? Stick with the war or pull out now? Is she the one? Do I tell her? Back and forth, back and forth, chewing over every decision like an old bone. Nobody’s ever sure about what to do.”

“We can’t all be like you,” Cindy snapped. “Good old Hannibal. Often wrong, but never in doubt.”

“And why the hell not?” I snapped back.

“Because, like Hamlet, some of us have more complex questions to deal with.”

I hate it when she pulls out that lawyer crap, and she knows it. I pointed right in her face.

“Well, you know what? Hamlet was a moron. The questions ain’t never as big as ‘To be or not to be.’ It’s ‘how do I get from here to there. How do I move forward?’ That’s all there is.”

“And you’ve got the magic answer,” Cindy said, tipping her head that way she does when she’s being sarcastic. Monte was staring at me like he really did want the answer. So I figured I’d just give it to him.

“The answer is, you start. Then you keep going. Quit waiting. To paraphrase Patton, a good plan now is better than a perfect plan later. Move forward. That’s always the right thing to do. Is it time to have a steady girlfriend? Who the hell knows? Get one and find out. Is she the one? Ask her and see. My dad had a saying…”

I turned my eyes to Cindy. She hates it when I quote my dad. I lost him when I was pretty young, but I swear I remember every word the man ever said to me.

“He used to say, ‘Left foot, right foot.’ That’s how you get to wherever it is you want to go. Cindy, how’d you learn to swim? Did you take fancy classes at the Y or something?”

I caught her off guard, but her father and I are pretty good friends so I was sure I knew the answer.

“No,” she said in a low tone. “My dear father picked me up and threw me in the deep end of the pool.”

“Uh huh. And what happened?”

She hesitated. Sometimes the truth can interfere with making your point, but she was a good enough lawyer to know that hiding the truth never works. There was even a tiny bit of a smile that she was reluctant to share. “Well, actually, I guess I did okay.”

That was all I needed. I opened the door but turned to Monte just before I went inside. “Jump on in, dude. You’ll be surprised how fast your swimming skills improve.”