Driving the District with Rey Santiago

My name is Reymundo Fernando Santiago, but you can call me Ray. I been driving a cab in this town for a lot of years and now, since I brought my baby girl here from Cuba. Thanks to some help from Hannibal I own my own cab company now. Hannibal is my friend, and he’s dating my only daughter, Cintia, so we’re pretty close. He asked me to help some new folks moving up here by telling them what they need to know about driving around here. Well nobody knows driving here better than me, so I said sure. And it sure ain’t nothing like back home in Cuba.

First off, you got to learn to call it by its right name. It is D.C. or "the District." Only tourists call it Washington. How do you tell the tourists? If you see somebody with their turn signal on, they are a tourist.

Maps are good to have, but if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If you’re in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

Now, there’s no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway. That’s the Baltimore Washington Parkway, but you’ll never hear anybody say all that.

All directions around here start with The Beltway, which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an inner and outer loop designation. I know, that makes no sense to anybody outside the Beltway.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

Let’s see, what else. Well, if the Redskins are playing a home game, there’s no point in driving anywhere near PG County. Oh, never say PG County to anybody from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a blood vessel.

Driving in The District proper, if you stop at a yellow light, you’ll get rear-ended. Or shot at. Now if you RUN a red light, be sure to smile for the hundred dollar picture you’ll get, courtesy of the DMV. On the other hand, if you don't hit the gas as soon as the light turns green, you’ll get cursed out about two hundred different languages, and none of them is English.

And you got to be ready for the construction. Construction on I-270 is a way of life. It’s funny – they call it an interstate, but it only runs from Bethesda to Frederick, so it ain’t, unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which I guess some people do. I-270 opened in the sixties, and it’s been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. And then it’s got a "Spur," whatever the hell that is.

What else. All unexplained sights are explained by this phrase: "Oh, we're in Takoma Park."

Car horns are really road rage indicators. Pay attention to the warning.

Unwritten law: Old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.

A lot of roads around here just change their names when you cross an intersection. Don't ask why. Nobody knows.

If you need to ask directions in Arlington you got to know Spanish. Or in Langley Park for that matter. Or Wheaton, or Adams Morgan. In PG County, Eubonics will be your best bet. In Annandale, a Cambodian or Vietnamese dialect will come in handy. If you’re on DuPont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, you just better be African American. And if you stop to ask directions in Hannibal’s neighborhood, in Southeast... well, don't.

Driving south out of DC on I-395 is the scariest thing you will ever do. At some points you’ll be in seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 miles an hour, bumper to bumper. The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Hannibal described it just right. He says the Beltway is kind of like a daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap in and collect points as you go.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the slow lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game too. The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are the official chat lanes, filled by drivers who want to talk on their cell phones. And mini-vans can use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable at while she’s doing two or three other things.

You need to check the weather before driving here too. For instance, rain makes these people stupid. For real. It rains, it’s an instant fifty point drop in IQ in DC drivers. Snow? A hundred point drop in IQ, and a rush to the Safeway for toilet paper and milk. If it's 10 degrees out, it's got to be Orioles opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's the Skins opening day.
One thing about DC does remind me of back home in Cuba. If the humidity and the temperature are both above 90, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September. And maybe, if you're really lucky, October.